How did I NOT know!?
And WHY did it take me so long to remember? Uncovering 30+ years of repressed sexual abuse.
Family members. Friends. Lovers.
Multiple abusers over the course of a lifetime.
All of them people I knew and trusted.
So HOW did I NOT know? And WHY did it take me so long to remember?
As it turns out, the signs were always there.
Hidden in plain sight.
I just needed to be ready and able to see them.
Signs like:
The summer I went selectively mute, followed by issues using my voice all throughout my life
My decade-long addiction to weed that kept me numb and in denial
The night terrors that woke me up screaming and gasping for air
A mysterious chronic pain disorder that made it challenging to work
Fragmented sexual flashbacks and large memory gaps during specific periods of my life, both as a child and as an adult
One toxic relationship to the next, leading to an abusive marriage
And much more.
After three decades, I finally realized these signs pointed back to repressed childhood sexual abuse and that the impact had followed me into adulthood, casting a shadow over every aspect of my life.
It was uncovering the abuse that helped me to finally heal the issues and ailments that had been plaguing me for years while giving me a whole new lease on life– one where I could finally take steps to become the woman I was born to be.
However, my journey was not without its twists and turns, and it was through some of the most challenging moments of my life – including publicly naming my father for sexually abusing me as a child – that resulted in a deeper understanding around abuse and memory repression and the structural systems that uphold it.
In other words, I was able to understand WHY signs of abuse stay hidden in plain sight.
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In early 2023, I launched this publication while in the thick of a smear campaign and personal emergency as a way to speak out around the abuse I’d experienced and to defend my spiritual teacher and my support network against defamation attacks from my estranged family.
Thank you to all who read, shared, and commented here and on social media during that time. I deeply appreciated your support and your efforts in helping me to hold my father and other abusers accountable.
If you’re just coming across this publication now, my first few articles serve as examples of what post-separation abuse can look like, whether it be separating from an abusive family or from an abusive spouse.
In my case, it was both.
At the time of writing this, we’re nearing 2025. I’ve started drafting my first book, and I plan to continue using this Substack to expand on:
The signs of abuse I showed all throughout my life
How being abused as a child led to abusive experiences as an adult
What my healing and memory recovery process looked like
The steps I took to estrange myself from my family
The things I would have done differently after living through what I now know was domestic violence and narcissistic abuse
And more.
I’ll also be drawing on research as a way to provide statistics, perspective, and awareness around things I don’t have physical evidence for, as well as examples from other women who’ve faced similar abuses to show similarities and parallels.
So often women don’t speak out or get support because they “can’t prove anything,” or they don’t know know what signs of abuse actually look like, or they don’t have an example or even a word to describe their experiences, or because they feel shame– to name a few reasons.
I know firsthand that learning about the experiences of others can help us face our own, as well as provide strength and courage to use our voices and take action – however that looks for each of us – and my hope is that my publishings help educate around:
Why and how children are able to “forget” abuse as a means of survival
Why children who’ve been sexually abused are likely to be re-victimized again, including into adulthood
Common tactics abusers use to remain undetected, including drug-facilitated assault to create an amnesia-like effect on their victims
Why both repressed memories of sexual abuse and sexual abuse by more than one person are far more common than most want to believe
Why signs of sexual abuse are often normalized and remain hidden in plain sight
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Sexual abuse is soul-shattering and life-destroying, dimming the spark of light in everyone it touches. When left unchecked, it sets victims up for a lifetime of struggle and chronic disease while allowing abusers to continue abusing.
Staying open-minded and deepening your understanding around this topic could save your life or the life of someone you love. And yes, I DO mean save your life.
Because a life spent harboring the pain and anguish of sexual abuse is truly no life at all. And for some, the pain cuts so deep, they choose to end the life they never even got to live.
Thankfully, I found answers and was able to escape the dark web I’d been living in for over 30 years.
So, whether you’ve ever wondered aloud or been afraid to ask the question “Have I been sexually abused?” this publication is now for you. It’s not until we can SEE that we can set ourselves FREE.
– Malana Hokulani
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